Following our January 2008 engagement, Jay wanted to start a family right away. And I did too. But it was important to me that we be married first. Not for any other reason then that I didn't want to be a pregnant bride, and I wanted to have the same last name as my child and my husband on our child's birth certificate. Maybe those are superficial reasons, but that's what I wanted. So we put our baby plans on hold... for awhile.
It was now July, and we were finally in the thick of planning our October wedding. I was (and still am) head over heels for Jay, and couldn't quiet my hopes and dreams of a family any longer. So in August, as my husband likes to say, we "pulled the goalie". (Hockey is life in our house, but again, that's another post, for another day.) I knew I was putting myself in a position to be pregnant at our wedding, something I never wanted, but hopefully if a pregnancy happened quickly, it would be something we could keep secret. I couldn't help but picture the looks on our parents' faces at the reception when we surprised them with our baby news!
Well, it didn't play out that way.
August came and went. September came and went. October AND our wedding, came and went. By November I was starting to have serious concerns that maybe something was wrong. Looking back, three months of trying to conceive is nothing, but at the time, it felt like a lifetime.
For whatever reason, I was much more optimistic in November then I ever had been. I just felt like this was our month. I had a thousand different ideas for telling Jay he was going to to be a DAD! Every day we got closer to when Aunt Flo was due, I got more excited. The instructions for the pregnancy test claimed to be able to detect pregnancy five days before a period had been missed, and you can bet your last dollar that we were going to test as soon as we could. So, of course, five days before my period was due, we took a pregnancy test. NEGATIVE. My heart sank. How could someone be so sure of something, and still be wrong?! I refused to take this negative test as the final word, and decided we would just wait to see if my period showed up.
A few days later was Thanksgiving. Aside from my incredible husband, I didn't feel like I had much more to be thankful for. Despite trying to be positive, the optimism I had greeted the month with was gone. I know, that sounds terrible, but I wasn't in the best place. I couldn't stop thinking about the negative test. I had no idea getting pregnant would take this long and I was in no way prepared for how emotional the journey would be. To make matters worse, my period arrived. On Thanksgiving day. At my in-laws' house. All I wanted to do was cry. But I couldn't. No one knew we were trying (though I'm sure some may had suspected) and the last thing I wanted to do was let anyone into our heartache. I put on a brave face for my husband and his family, even though inside I was crumbling.
It was December, and with Christmas and my birthday on the horizon, I was glad to have some distraction. My husband and I had had a serious conversation, and if we hit the 6-month mark, we would see our doctors and ask for help. Not the ideal way to start off a new year, but if something was wrong, we wanted to address it and not prolong the inevitable.
A few days before Christmas, we got news that damn near killed me. My brother-in-law's girlfriend was pregnant. I was furious. It was more then I could handle emotionally, and physically, I was sick. In no way was that a reflection of how I felt about her, or their relationship. I was just so stunned. Did Jay and I not want it bad enough?! Were we being punished for something?! Why did they get a baby and we didn't?! They had only known each other for a few months! It wasn't fair. And I was mad.
I will NEVER forgive myself for how I treated Josh's girlfriend over the next few days. I was jealous, angry with our "situation", and bitter... and I took it out on her. She's now my sister-in-law, and I can thankfully say we have a great relationship (she was brought into my life for a reason, that I wouldn't truly appreciate for a few years yet, but in the end, I am LUCKY to have her as a friend and sister), but it will never change how I treated her or the things I said to her.
Her pregnancy and my jealousy brought out a side of me I didn't even know I had. I couldn't think about anything else. The jealousy and bitterness consumed my thoughts for days. Why? Why?! WHY NOT ME?
It was the day after Christmas, and the day I would have to face Audrey. I couldn't handle one comment about pregnancy. I couldn't handle one conversation about their future baby. I had no idea how I would be able to get through the day. On top of all that, my period was due. When I got out of bed on December 26, 2008 and discovered that Aunt Flo had not yet arrived, I decided to take a test. I was feeling terrible, and didn't want to be caught off guard mid-Christmas festivities with my husband's family, by my period. So I thought it best to just get the testing over with. Maybe even put my mind a little bit as ease for the day.
Jay was already in the shower, and I couldn't wait for him to get out. I took the test, and tucked it back into it's foil wrapper. Watching the hourglass flash on the digital screen made me queasy, and by putting it back into the wrapper, I could postpone my heartbreak. After what felt like days, I peeked at the test.
"Is this possible?" My knees almost buckled. I couldn't breath. My eyes were welling up with tears. PREGNANT.
I had almost given up. I wasn't expecting it to be positive. What a perfect Christmas gift.
I ran to the bathroom, threw open the shower curtain, and shoved the test in my husband's face. I had no words. Literally, my brain couldn't connect to my mouth. PREGNANT.
We were finally getting our family.
Of course we couldn't keep it secret for long. Not even a day. Barely 12 hours. We told his family that same night at our Christmas get together. The crack in Jay's voice as he told everyone the news, trying to keep from crying, and the shriek of excitement his mom let out made the moment perfect. My brother-in-law and his girlfriend didn't say a word. Not a smile. Nothing. But that was the reaction I deserved. And in that moment, I knew JUST how hurtful I had been, and I was immediately embarrassed by my behavior. But it would be months before I would be able to swallow my pride and apologize.
FINALLY we were off the road of trying to conceive, and on the road to PARENTHOOD!
No comments:
Post a Comment